Have you every hidden part of yourself for fear of other’s judgements?
Fought against feeling alone in your dreams or for your personality?
Like you’re treading carefully not to shine too bright?
When I started competing in 2014, I was hesitant to post progress pictures and, more so, show day pictures. I even went as far as considering to register for my first show under a different name so if people Googled me, there wouldn’t be a photo of me in a little sparkly bikini pop up on their screen.
My thoughts here: How would it look for a potential employer or client to see that? Wouldn’t that influence people’s idea of me as a competent attorney? That seems like it would scream the complete opposite of professionalism.
You must keep in mind that I was raised in very conservative manner, I wasn’t even allowed to wear a 2-piece swimsuit; with the exception of a tankini that became popular in the late 90’s, which was basically a tank top with swimsuit bottoms so there was minimal or no midriff exposure. I still to this day hate 1-piece swimsuits; I think it’s trauma lol. Now, I want to note here that I am in NO way criticizing the conservative way that my Father chose to raise me. He taught me to love and respect myself and demand that others to do the same. But this background information helps to understand where my thought process was when I was suppose to get in front of people in what basically amounts to scraps of fabric.
I, ultimately, chose not to register under a different name for my first show in 2014 but I posted minimal pictures and I made sure the privacy settings were limited.
In 2015, I worked at a medical malpractice firm. (Sidenote: I hated this area of law.) I had these great dark pink pointy-toed suede heels. They got compliments EVERYTIME I wore them…except once. I had just got them and worn them to work with a blue suit, not navy but a darker blue, that they went perfect with and a button down shirt that matched the shoes. This outfit is one of my favorites suit combos to this day. Nothing was an overly bright or neon color.
Why do I remember this one time I had a great outfit with great shoes that I didn’t get a compliment? Because that was the time I was pulled into a private meeting in my office where I was told “I look cute but…I need to keep my shoes and outfits to more neutral tones.” This came from the female partner, at the instruction of the other two male partners. I was told we work in a field that is predominately male based, older males at that, and I need to present myself in a manner that portrays nothing but professionalism. I was told I am already at a disadvantage because I’m young, female, and, even more so because I’m a blonde female. (Give me a moment to get past my eyeroll here.)
After this my progress and show day photos became even more limited because if my pink shoes were “unprofessional” how would they view online photos of their associate in a pink sparkly bikini?
Later in 2016, after I left that law firm and went to work as the Director of a child advocacy nonprofit in Northwest Oklahoma, I had one of the female members of the Program’s Advisory Board privately email me about how I need to refrain from posting competition and progress photos to my social media account because it does not portray the message the Program wants to portray and as the Director, I am the program. She believed the photos were too scandalous and provocative. She reached out to me as an individual member of a group of people who were supposed to be my supervisor as a collective whole. This upset me for days, weeks, even months. It bothered me enough that I almost changed all the settings of few stage and progress photos that I had posted to private so only I could see them. The saving grace was that the, at the time, President of that board believed that my competing showed EXACTLY what the Program stood for because he (yes, a he) understood the commitment, discipline, dedication, determination, drive, and hard work that it takes to be in my sport.
Throughout the years of competing, I’ve developed more friends, on social and otherwise, that are in the same world. They have professional careers ranging from military, teacher, nurse, attorney, and a host of other occupations, and they unabashedly display the fruits of their labors on their social media.
Our male counterparts don’t fall under that same scrutiny. Males get the compliments like “Man, that’s awesome.” or “I admire your dedication.” No one questions their level professionalism based off those photos. They show up to a business meeting in a suit and those photos don’t raise another thought.
As female bodybuilding competitors our progress and competition photos get viewed as unprofessional, provocative, offensive, and controversial. As professional women, we sometimes are already at a disadvantage and have to limit ourselves to others view of “professional”; just like being told color in work place in unacceptable and I need to not. *Again, insert heavy eyeroll* …Which in my humble opinion is complete BS.
Here’s what I finally decided... which you probably guessed
No, I will not hide.
My experience early on in my competitive career with regard to this lifestyle made me keep a lot of that part of my life off grid and sort of compartmentalized from the rest of me. This didn’t help with the emotional toll that competing takes because I felt even more isolated and like I was having to hide a part of myself. People who would see me everyday would see me eat from containers and skip out on the office taco day but no one could understand why because that part wasn’t shared.
This sport is more than just a hobby for me; it’s a lifestyle. It’s not something I get to go do on the weekends or in my free time. It consumes a large portion of my life; I have to MAKE time for it and my choices revolve around it. I’ve come to understand that I have a passion for the sport and that passion didn’t just come from anywhere. I believe God gave me the passion and competing gives me the opportunity to show off the hard work I to put into keeping my body healthy, to growing it, to being a role model for others to start working for their goals, and to not hide, but shine in themselves.
The photos I post are not scandalous; they show that I worked hard for something. I put in the time, the effort, the commitment, the dedication, to growing and refusing to remain the same.
Yes, they are me in a tiny sparkly bikini.
Yes, they are me in a sports bra showing my abs.
Yes, they might be viewed by some as too exposed.
I don’t post them to be sexual or provocative. How are they any different than posting photos of your family vacation in your swimsuits on a beach?
That’s okay but my display of weeks, months, even years’ worth of consistent dedication and commitment to diet and training isn’t? That affects my ability as professional, makes me less competent to do my job, and portrays the wrong message? Nope, I don’t accept that.
I post my photos not only as a way to keep myself accountable but also in hopes that my being consistent and dedicated motivates or encourages someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing my own progress because, dammit I earned it, but it’s not all about me.
I’ve been told more than once recently that my posts have resonated with them on a personal level and have made them, not feel alone in the feelings they have experience. That they motivate them. That they felt “called out” by them; in away that helped them realized they have been wanting to change but not taking the action.
That is why I post what I post. I know what it feels like to feel alone and like you’re the only one going through something like what it is you are experiencing.
I’m not going to sit here and say that I don’t still have a fear that these photos might have a negative impact on someone’s view of me as a professional but I’ve come to realize that I’m not going to let that make keeping hiding part of myself and keep me from making an impact. I know my competing doesn’t lessen my professional ability as a competent attorney any more than my wearing pink shoes does.
I’m blessed to currently have a great support system at work. No one expects me to hide that part of my life, they encourage it, support me, and it’s never even hinted that it’s ‘unprofessional” of me.
I write all this so encourage you in that whatever your goals and dreams, you shouldn’t hide or minimize them. Don’t hide your personality because it might be “too much”.
Wear the pink shoes. Speak up.
Embrace the sparkle!
You never know when your words or action are inspiring to others.
Give yourself permission to be 100% you.
Ashley
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