So here you go: Here we have two girls. One is healed and full of self love (Ashley). She is my daily guide to be better and constant reminder there is light at the end of the tunnel. Then there is me. I am in the midst of the healing to be better. So here is the story . . .
Almost a year ago, I hopped on a plane to Belize. My life was in complete turmoil and I needed an escape. Luckily, I have a friend that was able to take off of work and is amazing at logistics planning the entire trip for us. Coming from different locations, we met in Belize.
On the flight down to Belize, I left out of Oklahoma City and sat next to this Silver Fox (he’s 17 years older than me). His coffee cup was completely clean while mine had splatters and drip marks running down the side, as if that wasn’t the exact analogy of exactly how he looked and I felt. Seriously he was this HOT guy that seemed completely put together. I, on the other hand, was running off of a few hours of sleep, hair in a braid, and barely any makeup on.
I struck up a conversation because, in my normal state, that’s what I always do. I love people and I find their lives and stories very interesting. We chatted about our current books we were reading and I downloaded the audio version of the one he had in his hand. Then I dozed off while listening to the audiobook.
After a bit I woke up in a panic because I realized I checked my bag last minute which had my passport and everything else in it. The Silver Fox calmed me down and gave me his number. He informed me he has a few connections and would be happy to rescue me should I need rescuing. I honestly couldn’t tell if he was hitting on me or felt bad for me. Either way we continued on with our chat for the rest of the flight.
The Silver Fox asked me about my current dating situation and I told him I was in the middle of a divorce and it was unnecessarily messy. He told me he ended his marriage of about thirty years and since his kiddos were grown he could just be done (while making a gesture of pushing something out of the way). RED FLAG that hit me like a punch to the gut. I thought this was so crazy that a person could spend that amount of time with another and completely dismiss them. His wife had sacrificed her career for him and to raise their kids. How could he not see that? But I looked past it ignoring my intuition.
The rest of the trip in Belize the Silver Fox and I texted back and forth. I told him this was nothing more than getting to know each other and a bit of fun. I made it clear I had NO desire for any type of relationship. He said he wanted more but he would be whatever I needed until I was ready. Then the phone call happened.
I had a phone call with someone regarding one of my children. I sent the Silver Fox a photo of me in complete breakdown mode with tears streaming down my face saying the phone call did not go well. The Silver Fox FaceTimed me minutes later. This was the first time we had ever spoke besides on the plane. He had ended an important conference meeting and kicked everyone out of his office to check on me. That moment made me feel more valuable than I had in years. We ended the call and decided to talk later after he was done with work. After work, the Silver Fox called me. I told him that call changed it for me and we could see if this was worth pursuing.
We decided we would meet up and he chose the location. We went San Antonio, Texas. A quick flight for him and an easy eight hour drive for me. I was very anxious up to our San Antonio meeting. We had been talking and texting for hours but I was still anxious and terrified that he would hurt me (emotionally). When I expressed my feelings he was so kind and told me if I didn’t feel comfortable I could leave at any point. This helped me to get past my jitters and go on the trip.
The morning of the trip, I overslept by about three hours. It was also the first trip I took in my Tesla so I had no idea how the charging, etc. would go. It did NOT go as planned. The Silver Fox ended up waiting at the San Antonio airport for multiple hours. I pulled in with almost no charge left on my car. We ended up parking in the airport garage to let my car charge for about an hour chatting the entire time.
When we finally got to the hotel, I parked my car and plugged it in with only a few miles to empty. We got ready and headed out for a stroll. I picked the way and I was wrong. Rather than tell me, he continued to walk, talk, and laugh with me. Eventually we turned around and had a very late dinner.
After dinner we returned to the room where we continued our conversation getting little sleep. Before we slept, he told me he loved me. My response was, “No you don’t. You love the way you feel when you are around me.” He said he was old enough to know his feeling and he knew he loved me, but that I didn’t need to say the same as it would come in time. I told him okay, but we needed to take things slow because I have major trust issues. I told him we could start the relationship and the only thing I ask is he never lie to me (half truths are lies) or cheat on me; the only rules I have for any relationship (friend or romantic).
To me, lying is one of those things that will limit the pain in the moment, but it causes more in the long run. Once a person lies to me, I can’t trust or believe them again. I questions everything they say from that moment on. He agreed and we officially started dating. The Silver Fox quenched my fiery fear telling me he was raised in a culture where integrity and trust are a way of life so I never had to worry about him lying to me. He said trust would come with time and he knew in time I would trust him.
The rest of the trip was filled with more things that were not ideal. In every situation the Silver Fox handled them. He brought a sense of calm to me and helped me to relax even though I was still an anxious mess. Part of that anxiety was about things that happened, but part of it was jumping into a relationship with someone that was a great guy, but I was not fully ready for. This was a choice I made because this man made me feel loved and valued.
After the trip, we continued to talk and text daily. The Silver Fox unilaterally decided he wanted to move to Oklahoma so we could be together. I was happy with this decision, but informed him we would not be moving in together because of my kids for quite some time. I also made it very clear that the move was not necessary as I had been in long distance relationships in the past and we could wait until the time was right. He told me he had a visceral feeling from the first time he met me and that he was going to marry me. I replied, “Are you trying to scare me?!” as I was still in the middle of a very brutal divorce and even being in a relationship was intense for me. He replied that we would take deliberate steps when we were both ready and he was willing to wait as long as he needed. He then booked his flight to visit me in Oklahoma.
From that point on, I opened up the flood gates. I felt like if this was a man that wanted to move across the country, he needed to know me. When he asked deep questions, I answered with all the raw emotion that I had suppressed my entire life. It was a lot. For as young as our relationship was, it was too much. It was also what he needed to know if he was making this sort of leap.
The Oklahoma trip was filled with activities. I showed him around Norman, introduced him to friends, and looked at houses (at his insistence). There was one instance where he lied. It was about something trivial and I immediately called him on it. He acknowledged the lie and I went to bed an anxious mess getting very little sleep. When we woke, I laid it all out. I told him he could not lie to me ever again. It may hurt in the short run, but if this is going to work he has to tell me the complete truth always. He agreed he would always tell me the truth.
Let me make this clear: He chose to tell the lie. I chose to get into a relationship before I was ready. MY choice created an environment where he didn’t feel safe to tell the truth. MY choice, to get into a relationship before I was ready, did not provide him the security he was providing to me and therefore lying was “easier.” I don’t condone his behavior, but I also accept my responsibility in not providing a loving and trusting environment. Back to the story . . .
The rest of the day was spent visiting friends. The majority kind, some not. There were some of his insecurities brought up to make others feel more secure. This was a trauma response I learned and then thrust upon him. This is how it goes: make fun of yourself/expose your weaknesses and it takes the power away from someone else being able to expose it when they choose.
The night ended with me being horribly sick. The Silver Fox was kind and took care of me which I fully appreciated and needed. The next morning he seemed anxious and wanted to get to the airport extra early. My gut told me something was off, but I ignored it saying the feeling was my lingering sickness. I dropped him off at the airport with a kiss and didn’t hear from him until hours after he arrived home.
The next week (three weeks prior to when he was supposed to move to Oklahoma) we just seemed off. We both had things going on and our schedules didn’t align. The Silver Fox wasn’t texting as much as he normally had and when I pointed this out he said he had a bad feeling about being questioned and was on the defense. I continued to feel him pulling away but couldn’t figure out how to fix it.
The following Sunday I FaceTimed him. He accidentally answered and while I was saying his name he continued to have a conversation for three minutes with his ex-girlfriend and his neighbors. Yes, I should have hung up but I was so stunned by what I was hearing that I couldn’t. I sat there as he denied my existence. He said he came to Oklahoma for a job. He said he had no idea why I would FaceTime him and how “fucked up” it was that I would do such a thing. He ended the FaceTime and then sent me a text that he had to say that because of his job, he was concerned his ex and neighbors would put his job in jeopardy if they knew about us because my divorce wasn’t final, etc. (NOTE: I later found out that since I was legally separated for over eight months there was no issue regarding his job).
Throughout my divorce, my life was constantly under attack with my character and integrity being the main target. I felt no one was believing me. Then this Silver Fox came into my life. He begged to be my prince charming. To protect me and rescue me. I ignored my instincts and I took him at his word. It crumbled before my eyes. The one thing that seemed to be going right was disappearing. Instead of letting it be and focusing on what was going right in my life, I begged him to try and fix our relationship.
I told the Silver Fox never to lie to me or cheat on me. He wasn’t willing to do that and I couldn’t accept losing him. I was willing to put at least one of my two simple rules aside just to feel that I was loveable; knowing that promised love was a mirage. I didn’t love myself enough to walk away and know my true value. I honestly think he knew I would never fully forgive him, at least in my unhealed state. It was over before it started so there was no reason to continue. I thank him for knowing that and ending the relationship.
The day he ended the relationship was the day I called Ashley and told her I was just DONE! (See our previous blogpost “How We Got Here” for more information.) Shortly thereafter was the point that I realized I had so many more people on my side willing to speak the truth (regarding my divorce and everything else) than I ever knew. This was also the point that I comprehended no one is going to rescue me. I needed to be vulnerable with myself and focus on healing. Around this time I also decided to take a year off from relationships and focus on loving myself.
The Silver Fox experience taught me AGAIN to trust my intuition. Throughout my marriage I ignored my intuition so many times and each of those times have proven that I should have listened. REPEATEDLY. Yet quickly, and while in the middle of a vicious divorce, I again ignored my intuition for a GUY. I ignored myself for some external validation that I was lovable, wanted, and worthy.
I have worked hard on myself since that time. Every day is about learning to process the past, get passed the trauma I have endured throughout my life and focus on being better. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life (and I have done some VERY HARD things). Every single day is exhausting and feels like I am working two full time jobs on top of my actual jobs.
Some days I am healing and somedays I am breaking. Still I look back and see the progress I have made. On tough days, I read through my past Life2Lifers journal entries. It reminds me what I have accomplished and what I have to be grateful for. It gives me the strength to continue healing for myself, my kids, and generations to follow.
My boundaries are firm when needed. My self love grows daily. My need for external validation that I am lovable is minimized. With each new day I realize my value and that my self love is enough.
You can only love another to the level of your own self love.
Kaimee
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