When I was reading Ashley’s last Blog Post about Imposter syndrome last week, this article came to me.
Self-Deprecation: Modesty about or criticism of oneself.
The latter is what I am referring to.
For me, when I feel my imposter syndrome come on, I have a tendency to self-deprecate. I use sarcasm, jokes, and depreciate my value. I do this for two reasons:
1. To make others feel comfortable.
2. To protect myself.
1. To make others feel comfortable.
Why? It is not my job to minimize myself to make someone else feel valuable. Why do I dim my light to make others more comfortable? When I blatantly asked myself this question, the answer was simply I shouldn’t. Minimizing myself does not lift others up. Further, talking poorly about myself gives others permission to speak poorly about me (“she said it about herself”).
2. To protect myself.
These statements that I make are actually a reflection of what I feel about myself. No matter how many letters behind my name, or accomplishments I have, I still have this underlying issue with thinking I am nothing special. By putting these comments and statements out there, I am trying to protect myself. I am saying how I feel about myself as a means of controlling the narrative.
The reality is, this is a trauma response.
Somewhere in our lives, we were taught to criticize ourselves. As children when we were minimized or degraded by someone more powerful than ourselves, we started the self-deprecation as a means of protecting ourselves from external criticism. This was to avoid or mitigate the pain from the external criticism and it continues with us. We catch our flaws and inform others of those flaws before another person can expose those flaws. This allows us to control the hurt that can come rather than being caught off guard.
This is a defense that served me well for many years. My current full time position is at a university. In the past, I was the first one to point out I am not tenure track and don’t have a PhD, therefore I’m not as “smart.” My colleagues were usually the first to remind me that I do have value and I am smart (they are pretty great). The reality is I still have a doctorate (yes a Juris Doctorate is a doctorate degree), I simply chose a different route than they did. I could potentially go back and get my PhD, however I choose not to.
I am lucky that I have supporting colleagues and friends. Many are not so lucky.
With self-deprecation, we are showing others how we value ourselves allowing others to place that same value on us. Giving others permission to talk to us and speak about us in the manner we speak about ourselves. Further, these statements we make aloud are living in our heads.
The majority of us have a voice running in our heads constantly. Those critical statements are being said in our heads over and over. CHANGE THE NARRATIVE.
I don’t associate with people that say derogatory comments to me or about me. My world is a world where we build each other up. Yes, I have bad days when I call Ashley and she has to remind me I am a bad ass bitch (and then has me write a list of my accomplishments in different aspects of my life so I see it).
Once I stopped the self-deprecation, I realized my sensitivity to others' comments about me minimized. When these comments are made about me, they seem so foreign I am quick to ask for clarification or why they would do that. I also realized my self-worth increased and my need for the “bad ass bitch” talk from Ashley minimized.
Focusing on the positive about myself has opened so many doors. I am more productive, less sensitive, and all around happier.
I glow because I give myself permission to be the best version of myself every single day.
Kaimee
Commentaires